Goodbye...
Saturday, February 11, 2006
I remember the moment I first saw your heart. You sat down next to me and said, “Hello, can I sit down?” Who would have known that not only would you be invited to join my table, but that you would be invited in to the deepest part of my life? I remember my bumbling efforts to say, “your beaut...(iful)…wait, you look pretty!” I remember when I first tried to tell you that you were capturing my heart. I remember when you said, “goodbye,” that time to walk out of my life for a year. I remember the pain I felt, the love I fought, the desires I had…I remember the longing to know you, to love you. I remember the brokenness, the lessons, the change; I hated it but needed it, and God used you to achieve it.
That year was hard and long, difficult and painful…being closed out of a life that you cherished, it hurt. Then a year later…you let me back in. Hesitantly at first, unsure of what you were doing, if you wanted to do it. Back and forth the tug-of-war of the heart went in both of our lives, fighting…pushing away, pulling back…running then walking back. I remember the blessing, finally God saw fit to let us love; we didn’t call it that yet, but it would blossom and grow over the following months. I remember the hesitancy, the confusion, “what next,” you said?
Whoever said, “Love is bliss,” must never have loved…no, love is hard, it takes work. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
I wish over the next ten months that I could say that I was “the perfect lover,” that I always loved with the pure, perfect love of Christ, but that is not true. I messed up plenty of times, I made mistakes…I tried to love and would fail at times. Yet there were times of love, of connection of life being lived out of moving forward. It was those times that drew us together, that made our relationship stronger. I wanted so badly to be a man of strength in your life, a rock, a fortress. I wanted to protect you, to help you, to see you grow. In my desire to do that, sometimes I made your life harder; and thereby created pain in both of our lives. I wanted so badly to know who you were, about where you came from…yet, it seems that whenever I tried to see your world…my world collided, I wanted to stop it, but didn’t know how…then in my pride when opportunities would present themselves, I became “too much of a man to take them, to humble myself.”
Pride, ego, sin…why can’t we lose them in relation to that which we love so much…I wanted to be humble, and my pride got in the way…I wanted to be gentle and my ego pushed up its ugly head. I loved and love, you in a deep way…I cared for you, I pushed you to become more of what you could be.
However it wasn’t I guess enough…probably because it became me pushing you and no longer God. In my love I had forgotten what I had been given, that’s the key word…GIVEN. It wasn’t mine in the first place; it was a gift, a gift to me from you and God. So, I lost you, God took back what he had given. He tells me to get my life realigned…to know him as he wishes to be known; before I can know you as I desire. “She is mine, James,” God tells me, “and I am selfish…jealous…of her love.” God shared his love for you with me, but he wants you still. He wants me still.
I have cried so much over the past few weeks, I have felt like I am being torn to shreds, like half of me is gone. Last night, I cried again…now I was angry…at me, at life, at God. I had myself a fist shaking session at God, a screaming session at God…and I drove…I drove through the night yelling at God to prove himself, to prove his love…as he seemed to be really enjoying putting the screws on and seeing me and those I love squirm. “Why should I serve you, God,” I shouted many times,”Why should I love you?” “You have taken away that for which I cared so much, why, I have given you everything, my life, my time, my talents…and all you do is tear me apart.” “Is life really better with you in it?”
You know what God was doing during that time…I sort of wanted him to strike me with a lightning bolt…at least I would know he was listening…do something “God like” already God! He did, he was patient; patient like nobody else can be. He listened, he let me yell and scream at him; he let me call him names. Then he looked down at me and said, “Father, forgive them…for they know not what they do.” I wanted him to kill me; instead he loved me, as I cannot love. I wanted him to prove himself to me; instead he wants and waits for me to know him really know him.
“You say you loved Amy, James, I want you to love me. I want you to love me past the intellectual, past the knowledge; past the facts…I want you to love me from the core. You feel that you failed in your relationship with Amy, James, let me show you how to love purely and completely; to love as I love…learn to love through me, then James, and only then, can you truly love another, can you truly be in a relationship. You feel that I have stripped you of all that you want, of all that you are…that is true; you feel I did it out of hate, but that is because you don’t truly understand love. You may be able to define love intellectually, you may be able to quote the verses, but can you define love, true love, relationally? James, I took from you that which you loved so that you could see that which loved you, he who loved you. James I have to strip you of everything you hold on to, so that when you feel completely unlovable I can show you true love. Only then when you know my love, when you have experienced my love from a position of only having my love, can you then truly love. In your desire to love Amy, James, you did it through your own strength…that strength is imperfect. By loving her in your own strength, you pushed her away, now James that you feel you have lost her, let me show you how to love her my way. I have taken my daughter back, James, I want her with me. I love her, as you will never love her, she needs my love, I want to give her my love. James, your imperfect love got in the way of that, instead of remaining a conduit of my love for her, you became a conduit of your imperfect love for her. Let me show you how I love her, then and only then can you learn to love through me. James I love you as I love Amy, I love you completely and totally...you were so focused on your own love that you were beginning to miss mine, you were beginning to miss the most important relationship of your life, the one you have with me. You think I hate you, James, I truly love you, I truly know you. Let me know you, Let me know Amy...then and only then can I let you know each other.”
In His Grip,
James
Tags: relationship | love | life | god
posted by James Dasher @ 8:14 PM,
